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LOVE OR LUST? TEN THINGS
TO DO ON A SATURDAY NIGHT
by Coco Helado
Figuring out what to do on
a Saturday night is the easy part. The hard part is avoiding misunderstandings
about what it is you're really after. Whether it's everlasting
love or burning lust, you'll want to tailor your plans accordingly. The following guidelines should help you clearly
and effectively convey your true intentions.
ASKING HER OUT
IF IT'S LOVE
Call at least four days in advance, requesting the pleasure of
her company.
IF IT'S LUST
Call her at least 20 minutes in advance, and ask, "Can I
come over?
*********
DRESSING FOR THE EVENING
IF IT'S LOVE
Maximize class factor. Channel Audrey Hepburn.
IF IT'S LUST
Maximize jiggle factor. Channel Pamela Anderson.
*********
EATING IN
IF IT'S LOVE
Cook most of the meal yourself, but invite your partner to join
you for the finishing touches, to give a sense of partnership. This meal should convey the idea that loving
domesticly can be a feast for the senses. Choose a homey yet delicious menu, such as roast chicken or rack
of lamb. Drizzle truffle oil over mashed potatoes, transforming this ordinary dish into a veritable
bowl of luxuriousness.
IF IT'S LUST
Prepare appetizers before your guest arrives: finger food, nothing
fancy. Keep the lighting low. The idea is that she may nibble, but YOU are the main course.
*********
EATING OUT
IF IT'S LOVE
Choose a restaurant based on romantic potential: soft lighting,
somewhat quiet ambiance, a menu rooted in the Romance Languages: French, Spanish, Italian.
IF IT'S LUST
Choose a restaurant where you can order over-rich foods—oysters,
foie gras, chocolate mousse—that spoil quickly, implying that this is a one-time opportunity,
and there's no chance of a repeat performance.
*********
WHEN THE BILL ARRIVES
IF IT'S LOVE
Discreetly take it as soon as it arrives, and don't allow her
to see it. Decline her offer to split it with you. After all, her company is payment enough.
IF IT'S LUST
Look at the bill. Then look at her. Say, "So. Are you coming
over?"
*********
GOING TO THE MOVIES
IF IT'S LOVE
Ask him if there's anything he'd like to see. After all, how
bad can Samurai Tomb Destroyer IV really be?
IF IT'S LUST
Choose something boring. Sit in the back row.
*********
RENTING A VIDEO
IF IT'S LOVE
Go for a popular drama, comedy, or foreign film.
IF IT'S LUST
Reach for the box labeled, "Terms of Endearment." But
make sure you've switched the video inside with the adult title, "Terms of Endowment." Once you've
turned it on, feign surprise, then say, "Well, we might as well watch this one."
*********
GOING TO A PARTY
IF IT'S LOVE
Tell her she's the most beautiful woman in the room. Then take
her up on the roof or into the garden to look at the stars. Kiss her on the lips.
IF IT'S LUST
Tell her she's the hottest babe in the room. Then take her into
the bathroom. Kiss her everywhere but the lips.
*********
THROWING YOUR OWN PARTY
IF IT'S LOVE
Proudly introduce him to everyone as "Michael, my boyfriend."
Don't invite ex-boyfriends unless they're truly good friends with no ulterior motives.
IF IT'S LUST
Just say, "This is Michael." Look uncomfortable. Make
sure you invited as many of your exes as you could. If it doesn't work out with Michael, maybe you'll get
lucky with one of them.
*********
CULTURAL EVENTS
IF IT'S LOVE
Surprise with box seats at the opera. Offer to buy her the libretto.
IF IT'S LUST
Surprise her with seats at a strip club. Offer to buy her a lap
dance.
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